Imprint (Tanka-Haiku Hybrid)

Oft times I ponder
on lives my cold mind has touched
my darkness, my light
my struggle as wind through stone
did I make my troubles theirs?

feeding minds as crumbs
to angels and demons same
while my eyes turned blind

Oft I’m reminded
of that coin’s two-sided grin
those smiles and the tears
the darkness of long gone years
and the flip that favored me

I can only pray
to impart more light than dark
as my imprint brands…

Written by Matthew – 2016
© 2016 This Mortal Flesh
Photo: www.freeimages.com

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19 thoughts on “Imprint (Tanka-Haiku Hybrid)

  1. I read this “those smiles and the tears
    the darkness of long gone years
    and the flip that favored me”
    And I wondered… which flip favoured you? Favoured you over whom?
    I know my mind went to a theory that may seem crazy, but that may explain some problems you face.

    And now I wonder if you ever considered hypnosis…

    And if you think me too crazy… don’t mind me 🙂
    XO

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lol you are very keen Dawn. My ex best friend and I meant our wives on the same night at the same place…our lives diverged from there. A lot has happened since then but suffice to say…the flip favored me……so far at least.

      What were your thoughts on hypnosis? To what end?

      Liked by 1 person

      • I was thinking on things that may have happened before you were able to put words on them. A split that may have happened then, maybe, that affected you deeply but you can’t express because you don’t ‘know’ about it.
        I know I had such experiences (in my case abuse) and becoming aware of them enabled me to move past them (at least most of the time). While some manifested by themselves, with the simple trigger of my children being a similar age as I was when it happened, others were healed through hypnosis. I am fairly certain it helped me change the negative self-talk, at least enough that I was able to pick up on it and challenge it. It also helped me accept myself as I am, which means many many things, but also that my weight isn’t really an issue. Not that I got skinny overnight, but… I don’t think I’ve gained much weight compared to where I was before. And that in itself is positive.
        Good night!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m good actually. I think I know my issue. It sounds hedonistic but it’s true. I deserve more than I am…more than I get. Whether respect or gratitude…people in my life just don’t get it. The things I’ve done…the lengths I’ve gone to…all in the name of love…all for them. But to them I’m just shit. The fault it’s theirs but I still can’t help but to feel that maybe I am wrong…maybe I’m not worthy…maybe I need to do more. That is my fundamental flaw.

        Liked by 1 person

      • If I may… I only started really healing on the day I realised that the fault was mine. People (my ex) treated me the way I accepted to be treated. They were not to blame.

        I was raised Catholic, though my parents aren’t religious in the least, it still permeated our society. It took me years to realise that the “Love thy neighbour as thyself” quote meant you’re just as important as others.
        Before that, I always tried to please others and was resentful when they wouldn’t do the same for me. I waited for others to make me happy, to see my value, to help me out.
        It’s only when I finally realised that this quote meant I have to find the balance between ego (“Look at me, I’m the best”, which was so far from what I was feeling but not so foreign to a few people I know) and selflessly giving to others (“If I give enough, then they’ll see how great I am”much more akin to what was going on in my head).
        I could help others but also take care of myself, because no one was going to do it for me.
        I learnt how to say no. No, I can’t bake that extra cake. It’s not that I don’t wish you success, but I know you can find the help elsewhere, I need to take care of myself. No, I shouldn’t feel guilty for taking time to take care of me. And if you try to make me feel guilty, then you’re the one with a problem.
        It took me a VERY long time to get to where I am now.

        My advice is to try and switch your point of view. The fault isn’t theirs for not seeing how much you’ve done for them. When you look at life this way, you place yourself in the position of the victim.
        In my case, it came from an abusive childhood where I never got the love I deserved, the love any child deserves.
        Somewhere inside, I got the wrong assumption that I had to do all in my power to gain that love, because I didn’t know then that this love should have been unconditional.
        And throughout my life, I’ve been fighting to change that frame of mind. I deserved the love, it’s just neither my dad nor my mom knew how to give it because they weren’t getting it themselves, hadn’t received it as children. It wasn’t their fault (though I’m still somewhat struggling with that notion), but it wasn’t mine either.
        I still deserved unconditional love, and I was not going to accept being treated like crap any more.

        The only way (I believe) to heal completely, is to accept that others don’t have the power to change your life. they only have that power if you let them. Take back the power. The power to lead your life how you intend is YOURS. It means two things: 1) don’t accept to be treated like crap by others. You are worthy just because you are you. Stand up tall, walk away if they try to diminish you, you don’t need negative people in your life.
        2) don’t wait for others to treat you the way you know you deserve to be treated. Do it yourself 🙂 They’ll take the lead, or they’ll move out!

        Obviously, this is still an ongoing struggle, there are still times when I doubt, times when the negative self-talk comes back. Times when I want to fight myself, blame myself, diminish my accomplishments, instead of accept myself for who I am, of celebrating myself.
        But I am not letting others define who I am. If they can’t see my awesomeness, then… too bad for them. It doesn’t mean I’m not awesome!

        (and putting these things in writing, claiming them, is also one way for me to validate them, to make sure I don’t forget, to shut that negative self-talk voice up 🙂 Sorry I did this on your log 😉 )

        Liked by 2 people

      • I really do get it Dawn. I’ve been through various levels of this. I didn’t mean to come across victimish. My point was that I have risen above it. Sure there are times when it drags me down again but I rest in the fact that I always do the right thing. At the end of the day all I can control is me and how I deal with and maneuver around people and issues. I had a lot of childhood abuse issues too; sexual and abandonment. It’s taken my whole life to find clarity. My poetry is my venting mechanism 9 times out of 10. It’s how I release all the negative build up. So it is frequently down talk or otherwise negative. It’s the only way I know to get those thoughts out of my head. Lol I wasn’t lying when I said writing is my way of balancing my system. I remain humble despite the fact that I know I deserve more at times. I find comfort though in knowing I do get what I need 😉. I really appreciate the love you’ve shown here Dawn; it means worlds. You are a true neighbor. Never let the world take that from you. I’m much the same in that I give of myself to help anyone in need. That is who people are supposed to be and too often we let the world beat it out of us. Anyway, I need coffee bad… If you want to talk more you can always shoot me an email roguejedi007@yahoo.com.

        Love,

        Matt

        Liked by 1 person

      • And ps I just re-read my drunken comment that prompted this…I can see your point. I rarely get in that mode but that was a low point…I should delete my earlier replay altogether because I don’t necessarily feel that way.

        Liked by 1 person

      • No, you shouldn’t delete it. Just keep it as a reminder of where you were and look how much better you are now 🙂

        And I haven’t had time to write about it here, but Rita knows I’ve had some of the shitty negative self-talk not that long ago.
        I do get it 🙂

        Glad you were able to get out of that mode. Glad you managed to get out of that victim mode, the one that kept me imprisoned in a loveless marriage for too long.

        We are warriors. We are US 🙂
        XO

        Liked by 1 person

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